Postpartum - Anchoring (Part 3)
using breath and simple tools to get through the hard moments
postpartum - anchoring
If you’re coming to this post from one of the others in the series, welcome back. And if you’re landing here with fresh eyes, you’re in the right place too.
Part 1 was about naming some of the challenges of postpartum. Part 2 was about building the support map.
This part of the series is about what helps in the moment — not the big picture, not the perspective you might have later, but the small anchors that help you get through the next breath, the next cry, the next hard stretch of night.
Any of this sound familiar?
"The days are long, but the years are short."
"Try to soak it all up - these moments don't last forever."
"Appreciate it while you have it."
While these reframes are well-meaning, they can also make you feel pretty lonely. Because the thing about the toughness of postpartum isn't that we need to reframe the entire journey. We need support getting through the moments.
That's where resilience is actually built.
When the Days are Short and the Nights are Harder
For me, daytime was easier. There was help around. There was light outside. It was as if with the darkening skies at night, came the darker thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it comes after a hard day, and other times it seems to come out of nowhere. Like those moments when you deeply need to be horizontal, when you deeply need rest - and as soon as you put baby down and lay yourself down, they start to wail.
Suddenly, you feel all alone. The thoughts swirl. The panic about how you’re going to get through this sets in.
There’s no sugar coating it. These moments are hard. Looking after a newborn can bring you right to your brink. And in that kind of emptiness, you often have to reach for a resilience you didn’t even know you had. What can help us shift in that space, is an anchor. And that anchor is the breath.
Why breath?
the science of nervous system regulation
Here's what's happening in your body during those hard moments:
Your nervous system has two main modes: sympathetic (fight/flight/freeze) and parasympathetic (rest/digest/connect). When you're exhausted, overwhelmed, or triggered by a memory from birth, your sympathetic nervous system activates. Your heart rate increases. Your breathing becomes shallow. Your thoughts race.
This is your body trying to protect you. But it doesn't feel helpful when you're holding a crying baby at 3am.
The beautiful thing about breath is that it's one of the few automatic body functions you can consciously control. And when you change your breath, you send a direct signal to your nervous system: We are safe. We can settle.
Your vagus nerve, one of the main nerves involved in your parasympathetic calming response, is closely linked with the breath and diaphragm.
This isn't woo-woo. This is neurobiology.
And it works even when you're exhausted. Especially when you're exhausted. But more than that, it’s something you can do in a moment when all you need is one little anchor to yourself, so you can tap into that inner resilience.
breath techniques for the 3am moments…
These are simple, practical tools you can use right now. No special equipment. No perfect conditions. Just you and your breath.
1. Calm Breath (4-8 Breathing)
This is what we teach in HypnoBirthing, and it's powerful for postpartum too.
How to do it:
Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4
Pause naturally (don't force a hold)
Breathe out through your nose or mouth for a count of 8
Why it works: The extended exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system. The counting gives your mind something to focus on instead of spiralling thoughts. And once the body is more settled you can better look after your baby’s nervous system.
When to use it: Feeding sessions, when baby won't settle, when you're feeling overwhelmed, before trying to sleep.
Pro tip: As you breathe, imagine your breath sweeping through your body, releasing tension from your jaw, your shoulders, your belly. Let your body soften with each exhale. It can also be helpful to pair this with a colour. Imagine breathing in whatever calming colour comes to mind and letting it fill your entire body, hooking whatever tension is there, and then letting it flow out.
2. Physiological Sigh
This is a pattern your body does naturally when it's releasing stress - but you can also do it intentionally to get the same impacts.
How to do it:
Take two quick (but deep enough) inhales through your nose (inhale, pause, then a little sip of air on top)
Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth with an audible sigh (overexaggerate this if you can)
Why it works: That double inhale reinflates the tiny air sacs in your lungs and the long exhale dumps CO2, which helps regulate your nervous system. Research from Stanford shows this is one of the fastest ways to reduce stress in real-time.
When to use it: When you feel panic rising, when you're about to lose your patience, when you need a quick reset.
Pro tip: Do 1-3 of these in a row. You'll likely feel an immediate shift.
3. Hand on Heart, Hand on Belly
This adds a somatic (body-based) element to your breathing.
How to do it:
Place one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly
Breathe naturally and notice the rise and fall
Gradually slow and deepen your breath
With each inhale, think: I am here
With each exhale, think: I am safe (or I release or I'm okay, whatever feels natural to you)
Why it works: The physical touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system. It's a form of self-soothing that mimics the comfort of being held.
When to use it: When you feel alone, when you're grieving, when you need to feel connected to yourself.
pairing breath with mindset: affirmations that actually help
Breath is powerful on its own. But when you pair it with intentional thoughts, you create an even stronger anchor.
Here are affirmations designed for the hard moments - not toxic positivity, but real, grounded truths:
For the 3am feeding:
Breathing in: I am here
Breathing out: This will pass
When baby won't stop crying:
Breathing in: I am doing my best
Breathing out: That is enough
When the thoughts spiral:
Breathing in: I am safe
Breathing out: My baby is safe
When you feel like you're failing:
Breathing in: I am learning
Breathing out: I am growing
When you're touched out and exhausted:
Breathing in: I can take this one breath
Breathing out: And then the next
When grief or anger surfaces:
Breathing in: I feel what I feel
Breathing out: And that's okay
You don't have to 100% believe these statements fully for them to work. You just need to believe in their potential to be true. Just saying them, paired with breath, starts to shift something.
what is an anchor, really?
An anchor holds us. It keeps us grounded at the bottom of the ocean floor, in our body, so we don't drift away.
But what about a life ring? A float that keeps us buoyant, that holds us up?
Breath is both. It grounds you when you're spinning, and lifts you when you're sinking.
But sometimes, breath is not the whole answer. Sometimes you need other anchors too.
when you need more than breath: other anchors for hard moments
Expression Matters
Do it during the day in a helpful container so that when those moments come at night, you can lean on what you've practiced.
Write: Stream of consciousness. No editing. Just get it out.
Cry: Set a timer for 5 minutes and let yourself fall apart. Then wash your face and move on.
Move: Shake your body. Dance. Stretch. Movement processes what words can't.
Create: Put art up on your wall with affirmations. Draw. Color. Make something with your hands.
Distraction Is A Valid Coping Mechanism
Sometimes those earbuds and Netflix can be your best friend at getting through those tough nights. Because at least if you're not sleeping, your mind has something to focus on while you’re holding baby, instead of spiralling into thoughts that feel out of control.
This isn't avoidance. This is survival. And survival is sacred work.
Befriend Your Thoughts
You don't have to believe every thought that crosses your mind.
Here's what that looks like in practice:
When the thought comes: "I'm a terrible mother"
Instead of fighting it or believing it, try: "I'm having the thought that I'm a terrible mother. That's my exhausted brain talking. It's not truth."
When the thought comes: "I can't do this"
Try: "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. That's real. And I'm still here. I'm still doing it."
This is called cognitive defusion, which is about creating space between you and your thoughts. You're not your thoughts. You're the one noticing them. And that space in between? That's where freedom lives. But just like muscles get stronger with practice, so do the neural pathways in our brain. So repeat. Notice. And repeat.
the way time shifts
When you use these tools to get through the next breath, you start to notice something.
The next breath feels different. And the next. And the next.
Pretty soon, those moments lengthen. The days go by. Resilience becomes about getting through the next day, and the next day, and the next.
And then you come to that phase where resilience is about getting through the next week. And the next. The days feel longer. The nights feel shorter - because you're sleeping through them.
Yes, the years pass. Time does pass quickly and it does get easier.
But what you need in this moment is an anchor to yourself. Something to hold you. Something that keeps you buoyant.
You don't have to reframe the whole thing.
You don't have to love every minute.
You don't have to be grateful when you're drowning.
You just have to breathe.
And then breathe again.
And again.
a practice to start today
Right now, wherever you are:
Take a slow breath in through your nose for 4 counts.
Pause.
Breathe out through your nose or mouth for 8 counts.
Do that three times.
Notice how you feel.
That's it. That's the practice. And it's always there. In the middle of the night. In the middle of a cry. In the middle of your doubt.
Your breath is your birthright. Your anchor. Your way home to yourself. You're doing better than you think. And you're not alone.
If you need more support - whether it's processing your birth, learning these tools more deeply, or just having someone witness what you're going through what you are carrying - I’m here.
Give it time. Give yourself grace. And keep breathing.